Zach Schroeder

Zachary George Schroeder (born October 30, 1988), was created in the genetics laboratory of Dr. Tony Schroeder as a weapon to use against the USSR. Zach was designed to be upgraded in stages, starting with the basic (Emotion Registration Unit (ERU ("earoo")) and continuing to the complex and destructive (Concealed Unit for Nuclear Tactical Strikes (CUNTS ("cunts"))). Few of these planned upgrades were completed, however, before the collapse of the Soviet Union ("REAGAN SMASH!"). Zach's development cycle was abandoned due to a lack of funding, and a general loss of interest on Dr. Schroeder's part: "He was a pretty cool idea I guess, but now that the Ruskies are donezo and I'm getting too old to go clubbing, I guess I'd rather just, I don't know, watch football or something." It has become increasingly apparent that one of Tony's original intentions for Zach was for the cyborg to function as a "wing-man" of sorts, to attract what Tony described as, "sweet-ass club-girl poontang."

No government contract has been discovered that initially authorized the creation of Zach. It seems now that Dr. Schroeder created the prototype of his own accord. A short note written on the back of a Wendy's napkin, dated June 17, 1987 and signed by Tony, reveals he intended Zach to, "...go all Charles Bronson on their Hammer-and-Sickle asses, Death Wish style, like, PEW PEW PEW! and shit..."

The Zach prototype, lacking any useful skill, has been relegated to a quiet life in Columbus, OH, where he occasionally is seen punching Communists (hippies).

Zach is currently 1/2 of the dirt-rock duo Maneater and the Juggernauts along with drummer Grant Siefker.